Day in and day out, I read / see / and hear some women talk about how there aren't any great men out there in the world for them. Bad mouthing a brotha here and there. Ladies, I understand...some guys AIN'T shit! I agree but in the words of the big homey Katt Williams:
"Stop messin' with ain't-shit-niggaz." -- Katt Williams
Now you can perhaps say that you've run into a bad crop of fellas. But also, have you ever thought that your own methodology with dealing with these guys, who seem to always start out as perfect gentlemen and end up being thug nasty, are the cause and catalyst to the byproduct of neanderthalism that you say you hate. In other words, maybe you ain't loving him right? * shrugs * Now here's a drop of kuh-nah-lej from my girl Nicole of YumYumKisses and Love Lies And Music.
"And now here's something we'd hope you'll really like." -- Rocky
Men are special creatures. While most women love to male bash and talk about how their man ain't no good I intend to breakdown how we as women need to love our men. Men NEED a special type of love. There is no two ways about it. There's no way around it. We as women sometimes push our men to act like we do and say things we would say when they're just not built that way. It's not in their make-up and quite honestly we really don't want a man that acts like a woman right? Right.
There are some key things we need to know about loving a man. I've attempted to list the important things. This is not an exhaustive list by any means.
1.) The male ego needs to be stroked.
Some women try to ignore the male ego. It doesn't go away if you ignore it. Instead you end up with a man, whom you really care for, just feeling neglected. The ego is in constant need of attention. It feels like it's the most important thing and stroking the ego just shows that you are in agreement.
2.) You have to understand his silence.
A man's silence speaks volumes while us women literally speak volumes. You have to be able to understand their silence. I know it sounds retarded but trust me it's real. Women are silent when we're angry or upset. Any other time we want to talk about how we feel. With men it's the opposite. Silence from a man is his way of telling you that something isn't right. Instead of coming to him and saying, "We need to talk." Give him a relaxing back rub or shoulder massage. Affection goes a long way with men. Which leads me to my next point.
3.) Men need affection.
To say that you love or really like a man and not show him ANY affection is ridiculous. Men need to feel love just like we do. They need shoulder massages and back rubs like we need a good listener to listen to us talk about our day. Touching him (even in those special places ladies) shows him that you genuinely like him. You're interested in him. Kissing and cuddling shows that you're into him. Try having a relationship with a man whom you've never touched or kissed. It just wouldn't work. Affection is a good way to get your man to open up and talk to you when he's having one of those "silent moments."
4.) Give them their space.
We all need our space. When you notice that he's more irritable than usual...maybe he needs some space. He doesn't feel like having a 2hr conversation about what you did at work all day. (Keep in mind that an awesome...not good but awesome...man would listen to you anyway because he understands that you need to wind down from your crazy day!) There are two ways to cure a man's irritable attitude and that's a little space or a lot of sex. Real talk.
5.) Sex is important to men.
It's kind of a big deal. To tell a man whom you supposedly love and care for that you're just not in the mood repeatedly...is a blow to the almighty ego. They understand that every now and then you just can't give up the cookie, i.e. that time of the month, but other than that they expect it on the regular. When I say regular I mean a couple of times a day. Hell at least once a day! I know us women love passionate, slow, deep-penetrating sex and because of that we can go a couple of days without it to build up the intensity...but men don't understand the point of that shit and are less willing to cooperate. If you love the man you're with you should be able to make slow, passionate, deep-penetrating love to each other whenever you like.
6.) A home cooked meal is necessary.
Even though you worked a 12 hour day and have to come home to tend to the children, men want a home cooked meal. We expect men to provide for his family, satisfy us emotionally and sexually, listen to our long stories about nothing important and to cuddle with us after sex! The least we could do is provide the man with a home cooked meal. Period point blank. Someone told me that women want an old fashioned man but aren't willing to do old fashion stuff like cook dinner and clean the house. I don't think those are old fashioned things but that's another story for another time.
7.) Be supportive.
You have to be his biggest fan. Be a cheerleader and motivator. You have to show your man that you believe in him when no one else does. You have to push him to keep going when he wants to give up. You have to remind him of why he's great when he forgets. Sometimes we lose sight of what's important to us when we're dealing with people and bureaucracy and it's your job as his woman to say, "Babe, you're good at what you do. Don't let them get to you. Do what you do best and what makes you happy. F*ck the rest of them!" Sometimes he needs to hear that. You also have to be able to point out to him when something isn't right without being negative and condescending.
8.) Bring something to the table.
You can't come to the table empty handed. This is a rule that goes for both men and women. Nobody wants to deal with someone who has nothing to offer. It's not about being materialistic but more about being realistic. It's a new day and age. Nowadays it takes two working individuals to make ends meet. When you come to the table with something to offer up it makes for a stress-free relationship. Neither party has to wonder about being used and furthermore both individuals show their level of commitment to the relationship. It's easy to commit to someone when you have no responsibility in the relationship. This is the perfect set-up for a loveless relationship. This is a heartbreak ready to happen.
Those are just a few tips I have when it comes to loving a man. Men are tough on the outside but inside they are just as fragile, if not more fragile, than we are. Love your man right and he'll love you forever! Stay tuned for more tips on how to love your man.
I just sent that joint to my girl yo. Nicole deserves a Pulitzer for this shit here.
ReplyDeleteI have never had so many words and been speechless at the same time. I don't get it. *insert blank stare here*
ReplyDeleteFirst, let me say some of the points above are valid but there are others that are so "throw-back" it’s ridiculous. I agree that a lot of women are pushing men to be more feminine in their thought-process and in their actions. And if men allow themselves to be changed we all might as well clone sperm and eliminate the male race. And we should all be a bunch of lesbians.(no thanks)I mean don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to go back to being the type of woman our grandmothers and great-grandmothers were. Catering to our husband's every needs and not caring or thinking about ourselves. I would love it if the men of today had a little more gumption like our grandfathers. Real men who knew what an honest day of hard work was. A man who stuck it out and provided for the wife and children by any means necessary. And that didn’t mean selling or doing anything illegal it meant getting a 2nd or 3rd job, collecting cans, doing some side work for Pete and nem’ up the street, hauling trash, anything to keep food on the table and him at home helping raise the kids and not in jail . Not some flaky weak man, who wants to be taken care of and attaches himself to women like fleas do to dogs. Someone who will stay and “thug it” out with you through good times and bad, not these bia bias who run at the first sight of trouble. Now trust and believe there are a lot of men out here who do what they have to and I love it. (God Bless Them) And there are way too many whack ass women out here not doing what they are supposed to be doing either who need to be put on blast. But whatever you do PLEASE DON'T generalize the woman/man relationship in such a way, that it does a disservice to the women who are taking care of their home, man and themselves by having us act like a stereotypical 1950's woman. *shaking my head*
ReplyDeleteI think that Erica and the anonymous person above totally missed the point of this post. If you are a woman who is handling her business within a relationship then of course this doesn't apply to you, and I hate to be the one to burst your bubble but following what our grandmothers and great grandmothers did in terms of how they treated their husbands isn't a bad idea. I see so many women our age complain how they want their man to be this and to be that, and how he has to accept the new age woman and how strong we are and independent and blah blah blah shut up, because that my dear is a sure fire way to have a man... hell any man treat you exact opposite. What gives him the reason to do all the things we want from him when we are scream all day long "we can do it for ourselves".
ReplyDeleteYes a man needs to know he is wanted that is the whole purpose of this post if anyone took the time to read it, instead of shaking their heads and looking into space.
No one is saying walk around the house in a cocktail dress and heels and asking him " honey would you like ice with that" but dammit be his woman and not his roommate.
Lets not loose your man because you are too damn proud.
Ok so when i first read the comments i wasn't gonna respond but i feel it's only right. Just like MahoganyPearl stated this was not intended for the woman who knows how to love her man. I was not trying to backdate women 58 years either. I guess what's taking people by surprise is that fact that some of these things you should already know but the truth of the matter is that there a lot of women who don't get it. Let's be real...we expect our men to be like men were back in the day (all the things anonymous stated above) what's wrong with women playing their part in making sure their man is taken care of? I wasn't generalizing our relationship with one another i was simply pointing out some important factors when it comes to loving your man. Oh and there's more. there are so many other things i haven't touched on. I think we as women try so hard to NOT be like women in the 50's that we miss the mark a little when it comes to taking care of home and family. Not all of us but a vast majority of us. then we sit around and wonder why our men are out seeking what they're missing at home elsewhere and the same goes for women. A lot of times men aren't doing what they're supposed to do so we seek what we're missing elsewhere. I hope I haven't offended anyone. This was simply meant to be informative. You like what you read...take heed. You didn't like what you read...i'm assuming you're one of the women who's loving her man right. No arguments here.
ReplyDeleteLet's see...
ReplyDelete@Mallzeus good luck
@anonymous co sign
@mahoganypearl21 and Nicole First to Nicole, I think this was a good post that may have been helpful to a lot of women. Some women are blind and don't know why it is that her man isn't loving her right and really needed to know these things. I feel like as women who know, or think we know, what it takes to love a man it is our responsibility to inform those sista's of what they need to do to keep their families/households together. I did not miss the point of the post, as a matter of fact I wholeheartedly agree with some of the ideas mentioned. My only concern was to the blind women or to the men who aren't being loved right who read this post it may come off as misleading.
The article took a turn when it was stated after a 12 hour day even though you have to tend to the children you should still cook your man a meal and the ride of his life. NEGATIVE. I don't know if there was some level or sarcasm intended but I didn't pick it up. If I'm working 12 hours, as a MAN, why are you at home?? If I'm working 12 hours then my MAN should be working 16. If I work 12 hours, sitting, standing or spinning in circles I'mma need my MAN to have some chicken baking, a pizza ordered, some homework done or something!! My point is, help me love you. Don't leave me running the household and still expect to be treated like King Dingaling later.
After that part the whole post took on a tone of "cater to your man's every need and he'll love you forever." NEGATIVE. I have done these things and I've seen these things done and trust and believe it doesnt all work. As a matter of fact when you do these things, he does stay around forever and never wants to leave, but that doesn't mean that the relationship is meant to be forever.
I don't know what other avenues plan on being explored in the future but I feel like this post only explored a third of what it takes to make a relationship work. Loving your man right is an important factor but you also have to factor in him loving you right and compromise from both ends. I feel like the article could have been brought full circle if it would have briefly mentioned that as women we shouldn't do these things for any man. As women we only need to go hard for the man that goes hard for us and for men to not just expect these things. Men need to understand that these things are a privilege not a right and women need to understand who we are before we go around stroking egos.
I know who Erica is and Erica knows how to love a man. Erica also knows how to love herself and to not put any man in front of her. Erica knows that a great man deserves a great woman and is willing to provide that for him, IF he does what he's supposed to do. Some may see it as selfish but my advice to those would be to love yourself FIRST, find out who YOU are and then holla back.
Thanks for a great read...
@ Erica - I'm sorry I thought it was understood that you would be doing these things for the deserving man. the man who works just as hard as you do and is equally invested in the relationship. Why anyone would do any of this things for the "aint shit n*gga" is beyond me. I write about a lot of topics concerning men/women and relationships. This isn't my complete view on men/women relationships.
ReplyDeleteIn love you take chances. You don't know how things will end up. You can spend 10 yrs of your life with someone and at that point it seems like it'll never end but something happens and it's over. No one goes into love knowing all the answers. All you can do is love him right and see where it goes. You have to do your part...of course for the man who is also doing his part. It kills me that it is not understood that we are talking about the GOOD MAN. I'll be damned if I do this shit for some dude who ain't worth a damn. A lot of women have been there and done it which is all the more reason that we're not willing to do it again. I'm not saying don't be cautious. I'm not saying cater to a jackass. What I am saying is that when you find the one who is good to you and loves you the way you need to be loved...make sure you are loving HIM right.
If you don't love yourself how can you love someone else? I know who I am and I know what I want. More importantly I know how to love my man. Before you can love anybody or be good to anybody you have to love and be good to YOU. The women who dont understand that still have a lot of work to do and loving a man should be the least of their worries.
Good talk tho.
and now... what I have to say...
ReplyDelete* stands on pedestal *
I love a lively discussion.
"I'm sorry I thought it was understood that you would be doing these things for the deserving man. the man who works just as hard as you do and is equally invested in the relationship. Why anyone would do any of this things for the "aint shit n*gga" is beyond me."
ReplyDeleteYou know, I think that I read this article as a writer and not as a woman in need. I was disappointed and confused with the post because it did not convey a complete idea.
"This isn't my complete view on men/women relationships."
As a writer, you should never assume that your readers know where you are coming from. It is your responsibility, as a writer, to make your opinions and standpoints crystal clear. As a writer, you should never assume what situations your readers are in. The title of this post is "A woman's guide on loving a man" NOT "A woman's guide on loving a deserving man". Why anybody would go this hard in a relationship with a aint shit nigga may be beyond YOU, but how do you know it's not out of the ordinary for your READERS???
The things that you are saying in the comments are valid points, but if YOUR point is to help the male and female visitors of the site then you should be complete in your work. The reader who comes to Mandom for a good read and doesn't have time to go through the comments is missing out on valuable information that could have easily been put into the post.
As a writer, when you offer advice or tips to your readers, people believe that you know what you're talking about and take what you're saying for face value. No one knows what's going in your head or from where you are coming from unless that information is made known. It's not the readers job to assume what's going on, it's the readers job to absorb the information that you provide. If you don't want people taking what you say for face value, maybe you shouldn't offer advice. Maybe you should re-read the posts written by The Truth and notice how no definite advice is given. The reader is given something to think about and both sides of any argument is explored.
All I'm saying is don't write/say something stand behind it and put your name on it, if what you are saying/writing isn't all fact. Write what you mean and mean what you write. If that is done from the beginning then you wouldn't have to worry about correcting yourself later.
Dueces!
This is getting really ridiculous now. I didn't write this "AS A WRITER" nor do I care if I'm looked at as one. I wrote this because I talk to a lot of people about relationships and realized that some women just AREN'T LOVING THEIR MEN RIGHT. This was my personal opinion. I'm not claiming to be an expert or some fantastic journalist or "writer." It strikes me as odd that you attacked the post originally strickly based on the content of it and now you're attacking it from a writer's stand point. You have your opinion and I have mine. I'm a woman and I can respect that. If you look at it from a writers perspective then i guess there are some things I could've pointed out for the reader. But this isn't a college essay or a research paper. This is my personal opinion. Either you like it or you don't. Either you can use it or you can't.
ReplyDelete"All I'm saying is don't write/say something stand behind it and put your name on it, if what you are saying/writing isn't all fact. Write what you mean and mean what you write. If that is done from the beginning then you wouldn't have to worry about correcting yourself later."
What I wrote were merely tips not facts. If i didn't mean what i wrote then i would not have wrote it and further I damn sure wouldn't put it on display for the world to see. There was no correction necessary. If you read this and got the impression that these are the things you do for a no good dude then you need not be on Mandom reading up on relationship advice but rather asking yourself WHY you would do any of these things to a no ass dude. I don't claim to be a journalist. Just a woman who knows how to please her man.
It's a shame. I expected to get backlash from women. All the men I know that read the article has no complaints. And they are good ones. They understand that it's some shit they have to be doing too. You don't getting treating like a king for nothing! This was just a few tips i had on loving a man right. Because they do require a special type of love. If it's not for you then keep it moving. Point. Blank. Period.
My grandmother always say, "a hit dog will holla." If none of what Nicole wrote applies to you, then move past it. Not all women are the same, and not all men want the same thing from their woman.
ReplyDeleteSomebody came across this article and thought it was helpful vs. demeaning.
Anyway, if the shoes fits wear it, if not, go buy another pair.
@Nicole Well, with all that said I am glad we could agree that the post could have been written better. As I stated time and time again, I think this was a great idea and I am glad you wrote it. I am making this my final comment in hopes that when you are writing your next article, post, or grocery list you keep the reader in mind and convey your ideas in their entirety.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to seeing what else you have in store...
@Anonymous - i agree with you.
ReplyDelete@Erica - we'll see what i come up with next. I'm sure you'll find something to critize but hopefully you'll be able to take something from it. I understood your points. I hope you understood mine. We all have opinions. It's ok to have a difference in opinions. Like i said before I can respect that. Real women can move past that.
I'm glad you guys at least read it! lol
Friendly debate is always good!
Sheesh, I'm late. Anywho...
ReplyDelete#1 - Just as we (women) can appreciate a "you're so beautiful/intelligent/funny/etc", so can our men. We need to hear those things every now and again, and so do they.
#2 - I won't pretend. It bothers me when Mr. Man sits in silence instead of just saying what's on his mind. But I've learned that your advice is absolutely correct in our case. I just give him a hug or a kiss and let him know that if he wants to talk about it, or just vent, I'm here to listen - no pressure. It usually doesn't take him long to "come around".
#3 - 'Nuff said.
#4 - I can't recall where I heard it, but: "I can't miss you if you're never gone" is the first thing that came to mind when I read this one. QT is important, yea yea, we all know that. But so is time apart - having separate friends & doing separate things. In my relationship, I've found that having time apart makes me appreciate our time together more.
#5 - When it comes to my views towards sex, I tend to be more on the "guy side". Yes, sex is important. Passionate, slow love making is great & all, but I'll take a before-work quickie, any day (lol).
#6 - "...women want an old fashioned man but aren't willing to do old fashion stuff like cook dinner and clean the house"
>CO...SIGN! I don't have any kids, but I work a full-time job, and I cook dinner for my guy just about every other day. As far as cleaning, we work together on that (its just the two of us, so there usually isn't much of a mess made anyway). But yea...there's just something in me that doesn't believe my man should come home from work cooking and cleaning.
#7 - When you truly love someone, this kind of thing comes easily. Naturally, even. {Works that way for me, anyway.}
#8 - One of my guy's favorite songs right now is She Got Her Own - Ne-Yo, Jamie Foxx & Fabolous. And I'm glad to say that the dynamics of our relationship is part of why he likes it so much.
Bravo, Nicole. Great article!
Thanks Mandii! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteLOVE IT! You also have to learn to let a man be a man! They want to feel needed and be the providers and if you're constantly coming at them with the "I can do this shit by myself" attitude. It'll get you no where fast and chances are your man'll be sitting there thinking "what do you need me for then?" Its good to be Independent, but you can also be interdependent (if that makes sense) as well.
ReplyDelete