The Daddy Toolkit: Diaper Duty

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The Daddy Toolkit: Diaper Duty
Attention all first-time dads. Ever wonder how to change your infant's diaper without gagging or creating a bigger mess than what your baby already ejected from his little body? Ever been in an itchy predicament with no idea how to soothe your baby's problem? Look no further.

The diaper changing adventure involves some simple steps, precautions, plenty of patience and fortitude. You also need to gather a few trusty supplies for you and your baby before you tackle this daunting task. Grab a fresh diaper, baby wipes, diaper rash ointment, and baby powder. If you have a boy, a cover cloth provides protection from those accidental squirts.

Make sure to have a change of clothes on standby for those explosive surprises that not even the premium diapers can absorb. Protect yourself and your senses with the proper Daddy Toolkit, as well. The kit should include (at minimum):

  • a pair of safety goggles (the kind you used in wood shop)
  • nose plugs
  • a military grade gas mask, but a hospital mask will do
  • latex gloves
  • tongs

Be careful not to grab your barbecue tongs. That would make for an interesting flavor at your next cookout.

Once you notice a larger than usual bulge in your child's diaper, or you see his face straining followed by an odor so foul you wonder if you accidentally let a fart slip, it's GO TIME. First, prepare all the aforementioned baby products so they're easily accessible near the diaper changing surface. Second, outfit yourself with the Daddy tools.

Carefully lay your baby on the desired changing surface. It needs to be flat and comfortable for him with a towel or changing table pad underneath him to prevent additional mess. Be sure to keep him safely distanced from the edges of the changing surface so he can't squirm or roll off. The floor is the safest area. It is imperative that you remain at the changing area throughout the process to ensure his safety. Next, remove his clothes so as not to hinder the diaper change.

Open the clean diaper and put it to the side for later. While standing at his feet, unfasten the diaper straps with his legs down. Then, open the front flap of the diaper toward you. This undoubtedly reveals a stench like no other, but your nose plugs and gas/hospital mask kick it into overdrive to prevent your gag reflex from taking over. Gently grab both of his ankles with one hand, preferably your off hand, and lift his legs and bottom up so that the small of his back remains on the table/floor.

Next, pull the dirty diaper from under your baby and place it off to the side, out of his reach. Place a cover cloth or towel over your son's crown jewels so he doesn't spray you, unless you trust your goggles to do the trick. While still holding his legs up, take a baby wipe and wipe him from front to back versus back to front in order to lessen the chance of infection. Clean the larger bits of stool, first. As you venture up the diaper changing ranks, you'll learn to wipe those large shit chunks while removing the dirty diaper in one fell swoop. Be sure to clean all skin folds and crevices, as well. The cleaning step will surely take more than one baby wipe unless you want your kid to have an itchy ass. Place the dirty wipes on top of the soiled diaper.

Once you've completely cleaned his dirty bits, grab the clean diaper and slide the back flap under your baby's backside. Gently lay his bottom on top of the back flap of the diaper and lower his legs. If you notice a diaper rash, apply diaper rash ointment before you lower his legs. Wetness often causes diaper rash, so baby powder may be necessary. If you apply baby powder, be sure to do so as to prevent inhalation. Fold the front flap of the diaper over your baby. Then, adhere the straps to the outside of the front flap around his waistline. You don't like your underwear too constricting, so give him the same respect. Babies with tight diapers cry more. If you don't believe me, test my theory. I dare you.

Clothe him with fresh threads, if the diaper didn't do its job to prevent a blowout. Next, hand him over to Mommy or put him in a safe place such as a crib or playpen. Don't remove your gear quite yet because your date with defecation isn't over. Close the dirty diaper and all its smelly goodness. Use your tongs to grab the lumpy mess holding it out in front of you at arm's length. Then, drop it in a garbage can outside, unless you want to keep your nose plugs on around the house.

Diaper changes come furious and frequent, so keep your tools handy. If your first time didn't go so smoothly, don't get discouraged. It takes practice, and maternal supervision may be required. If you have tips or special techniques, share in the comments.
NBC Latino
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1 comment:

  1. Whoa!!! I can say this is one aspect of fatherhood I am NOT looking forward to. I've had my share of changing diapers (being the oldest of 3 children) but the last instance was 15 years ago. For some strange reason; reading this post not only brought about a vivid memory of doing so but I believe the smell is permeated in my brain. Hopefully the Glade Plug-In overcomes what my brain is trying to remind me of.