Valentine's Day Faux Pas

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Valentine's Faux Pas
Fellas, asking a woman to be your Valentine doesn't mean she's your girlfriend. Who actually asks a lady to be their Valentine anymore? You might as well get your #2 pencil and notebook paper out and pass the girl a note with Yes/No check boxes. Just remember, this is 2013. The idea of courtship went away about 10 years ago. Keep up, guys. You need to stay in your lane and know what NOT to do on that day so as to prevent disaster.
Before you start scratching your heads wondering why the hell some single father who's failed at a relationship with the same damn woman twice is giving you Valentine's Day advice, remember that failure taught me about what NOT to do, so listen up. I'm gonna save you a lot of time, effort, money and embarrassment.

We live in an age of the Independent Woman thanks to people like women's rights activists and of course, Beyonce. Shit, a large percentage of the women just agree to go out with you because they succumb to loneliness typically brought on by this so-called independence.

The key is to play your position, but you have to know your role before you can play anything. Just because y'all went out for some drinks or even had intercourse doesn't mean you're IN. Some of you are lucky you even got that far, or that you'll even get another opportunity to. Women have the same sexual needs we do. If you disagree, let me know how that works out. With those needs come the same dog-like moves we fellas like to make. This is all assuming she isn't already your girl. Maybe you know the chick, and maybe you don't. Here's a few things to steer clear of.

JEWELRY - Stay away from Kay Jewelers and pawn shops alike. Anything that goes around her finger, neck or wrist is a sure fire way to scare her off looking for the nearest exit. You don't own the broad. Remember, this time of year is a time of desperation for men and women - men trying to get laid and women either trying to get their groove back or eager to avoid a night of Redbox, Bon-Bons and Kleenex. High-priced ice doesn't go as far as it used to. If you don't believe me, Google "Divorce Rate." Save that money for some jimmys and an extravagant night at your local Holiday Inn.

Engraved Double Heart Toggle Bracelet in Sterling Silver $89.10 / Zales
1/8 CT. T.W. Diamond Round Promise Ring in Sterling Silver $129.99 / Zales

FLOWERS - Bouquets of chlorophyll die just as quickly as your date at the local Golden Corral will. No matter how much they tell you, "Awe, that's sweet" they really have no use for plants, bruh, especially if they got kids. That's just one more thing they gotta take care of.

Fields of Europe™ Romance $69.99 / 1-800-Flowers
12 Stems Radiant Pinks Fiesta Rose Bouquet with Vase $79.99 / FTD

CHOCOLATES - Remember, if the chick ain't got a man already, there's probably a lot of insecurities she's dealing with, one of which being weight. One box of chocolates leads to binge eating and eventual extra poundage around the areas you don't want on your girl; that is, if she ever becomes your girl with your whack ass gifts.

LINGERIE - If you're reading this, you obviously got no game, so what makes you think ol' girl is just gonna slip into a skimpy piece of underwear for you? Not to mention the daunting task of determining her size. You go too big, and she's insulted by your implication of her need to lose weight. Go too small, and she goes into a deep depression 'cause she can't squeeze into the damn thing. Just 'cause it looked good on the mannequin only means you're a perverted asshole who doesn't deserve the box, anyway.

By now, I hope you're discouraged with the whole thought of having a Valentine on that often fateful day of doom. That's the point, stupid. Remember, I told you I was trying to save you time, money and the embarrassment of your lack of game.

If you still think you got game, stay tuned next week for some thoughtful, unique gifts, but don't think it's the thought that counts. Chicks don't always appreciate the kind, introspective dude anymore. We'll talk more about that later.

Fellas, I wanna hear some of your experiences with these gifts. Ladies, help these suckas out and share some of the best and worst gifts you ever received. 'Til next time, peace.

Image Source: Woman Incredible
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